Five Times Yassen Was a Cat, and One Time He Wasn't
by theyre-my-babies
Summary: Post-Series. Alex, now living with Ben, has a cat named Yassen. (There's someone else named Yassen, too.) Cross-posted on AO3.
1. Five Times Yassen Was a Cat

1.

"Yassen get off the furniture."

Ben paused mid-sentence and turned from his phone argument with Jason to stare at Alex, who was glaring at his cat.

"Excuse me," Ben said, "but did you name your cat Yassen?"

Alex glanced at him. "Yes?"

Ben shook his head. "Just. Wh-?"

"If Harry Potter can name his middle child after Severus Snape and Albus Dumbledore, I can name my cat after Yassen Gregorovich," Alex declared, going back to glaring at the cat.

Ben stared for another minute, then shook his head and went back to arguing over whether or not pineapple should be allowed on pizza.

2.

"Yassen _this is not the time_ ," Alex whined, poking at his cat, who had hopped up onto the keyboard of his laptop.

"Cat problems again?" Ben asked sympathetically.

" _Yes_ ," Alex groaned. "I'm in the middle of telling off government agents over secure intranet chat and Yassen just sent them like eight hearts and a winky face."

Ben laughed. "Tell them you were interrupted by your live-in assassin," he suggested.

Alex stared at him for a second, then grinned. "My live-in risen-from-the-dead assassin."

3.

"Yassen that suit was specifically tailored so I could fight in it," Alex moaned from his bedroom. "What am I supposed to wear to the gala tonight?"

Ben, who had just gotten home from a physical therapy appointment, ducked his head in. "What happened?"

"Yassen just violated the wearability of the suit I was supposed to be kicking ass in tonight by rolling around in it," Alex mourned. "And now I am Cinderella and I have nothing to wear to the ball."

Ben glanced at the open closet door behind Alex. "Alex, I can see at least three other suits in your closet from here, and I know that all of your suits are specifically tailored so you can fight in them because MI6 pays for it and Crawley won't stop whining about the bills."

Alex looked at Ben and blinked. "But this one makes my eyes stand out."

Yassen stared at Ben from the pillow. Ben stared at Yassen.

"Alex, _no one cares_."

4.

"Yassen I _did not ask if you wanted to_!" Alex yelled.

"You okay?" Ben asked cautiously as he popped his head around the doorframe to the living room.

Alex gave a whine. "He needs to go to the vet to get shots but I can't get him in the carrier!"

"You basically dismantled the most prominent criminal organization in the world at the age of fourteen," Ben said in a deadpan. "You can get your cat in the cat carrier for the vet."

Alex glared at his cat, who looked quite smug from the back of the couch, then held out his arms to show them to Ben. They were covered in scratches. Ben raised his eyebrows.

"You should send him to work for MI6," Ben said.

Alex glared at Ben. "Never. Those monsters would destroy him," he said.

Ben raised one eyebrow higher. "He can hold his own," Ben said, indicating the scratches with a nod.

"He's _mine_ ," Alex growled.

5.

" _Yassen no stop what are you doing how are you even here_ -"

"Alex?" Ben said quietly through the mic.

"Ben did you get my cat signed up for MI6?" Alex hissed back.

"No?"

"Ben _why is my cat in the ventilation system of this warehouse_?"

"Are you sure it's him?"

"I know my own cat!" And Ben could hear Alex glaring at him through the earpiece.

"Fine!" Ben huffed. "But then how did he get from a flat in London to the ventilation shafts in a warehouse in Paraguay?"

"I thought you would know, you're the one who was going to leave him at the nonexistent mercy of MI6! -Oh no, shouldn't have been talking. Ben, if I make it out of here alive-"

He did make it out alive. So did Yassen. Ben never found out what he was going to say.

And 1.

"Yassen stop, Ben's gonna be home soon-"

Ben walked in the front door to hear noises from behind the kitchen door. Laughing, whispering - He paused. Those were not the normal sounds that Alex made when he was talking to his cat. There, a groan. That was standard. "Yassen stop" was also a fairly common phrase.

"Ben's gonna be home soon," though? That was a new one.

"Alex?" Ben said, opening the kitchen door. "Is everything -"

Ben stared at the scene in front of him, shocked out of his sentence. Alex was leaning against the kitchen counter, face burning, and - _was that a hickey_ \- and pressing him towards the counter was a man. A man with a gun, which, surprisingly, considering the situation, was not currently pointing at Ben's face. Still, it was there, and still, there was an extremely conspicuous duffel bag sitting on the kitchen floor. Also, unless Ben was reading the situation wrong (he wasn't), Alex and this strange man were holding each other very close and had been making out until Ben opened the door.

"Alex," Ben said calmly, "there is a strange man in our kitchen."

If Alex hadn't already been blushing, he would have now. As it was, he tightened his arms around the man.

"Ben, meet Yassen Gregorovich, my supreme enemy who I sometimes make out with in secret," Alex said in a very, very quiet voice. "Yassen, meet Ben, my flatmate and sometimes mission partner."

Ben and Yassen glared at each other, Yassen's arms as protective around Alex as Alex's were around him.

Alex got uncomfortable with the glaring after a moment and broke in. "You've both saved my life," he said, somewhat louder than before. "So you're not allowed to hate each other. Also, my cat is going to be hungry very soon, and if either of you prevent me from feeding him, he will claw your eyes out and I'd really not like that to happen."


	2. Five Times Alex and Yassen Made Out

A/N: I finally wrote something over 999 words!

So, this chapter is probably rated a bit higher than the first one... It's mostly implied, though, so I didn't up the rating. Also, Alex is probably 16 here.

(Someone mentioned they're be interested in a second part, and some people followed... I'm a whore for attention. Also Yassen Gregorovich, apparently. And I'm hiding out from Hockey RPF so I figured it was as good a time as any to write some Alex Rider trash.)

 **Five Times That Definitely Led to Yassen and Alex Making Out, and One Time That Didn't**

1.

"How are you even alive?" Alex asked as he ran after Yassen across the rooftops of Thimphu, fleeing a bunch of ninjas.

"Don't ask questions you don't want the answers to," Yassen said cryptically.

They swung down from a roof into what turned out to be a hotel, then snuck through the halls and into a closet, which turned out to be the secret entrance to a secret tunnel. Alex followed Yassen through the tunnel all the way to - a secret underground hideout which involved a closet with supplies, a cot, and _a small aircraft_?

Yassen got in the pilot's seat of the aircraft and gestured Alex into the other front seat. A few button pushes later, and they were hurtling down a runway that led straight out of a dangerously small hangar door.

Once they were in the air, Yassen sighed.

"They won't come after us up here," he said. "They'll track us, but they won't move until we do. We'll land outside Rome, in the meantime."

"Rome?"

"There's a nice little strip of country road to land on, and a little coastal village nearby." Yassen glanced over at Alex. "A secluded, safe place to spend a week or two."

Alex stared at him, then laughed quietly. "They're going to hate me," he said.

Yassen's lips quirked up. "Let them."

2.

"Why does everyone hate you?" Alex wondered as he waltzed into Yassen's safehouse in Gondar.

Yassen let his book fall from his hands to his face and sighed. "It's because they hate you and I keep saving your life," he said wearily, though it was muffled by the book.

"Huh," Alex said. "You do, don't you? Is that because of your thing with my dad?"

Yassen groaned and rolled onto his front. "Did you come here to talk about tragic backstory or because you knew I had to lay low for awhile and it would be an excellent opportunity to get me alone and convince me to pander to the whims of your teenage hormones?"

"Actually I didn't know you were here - I'm hiding out from a madman with a crowbar. But I like that last idea you had," Alex said, grinning.

"Then get over here and convince me."

3.

"Is there some kind of assassin's convention in town?"

Yassen didn't turn from his scope. "No, just some very lucrative bounty. More, with you here."

Alex rolled his eyes and peered out Yassen's window, trying to guess what the assassin's mark was.

"Who'd you run into?" Yassen asked.

"CIA asked me to check up on Deathstroke while I was in town visiting Sabina. Is that-?"

"Yes."

"Do it," Alex growled.

Yassen took the shot. As the man fell, and panic spread across the ground in waves, Yassen quickly dissembled his rifle and put it back in his briefcase, which he shoved into a convenient vent, and then walked calmly out of the room and into the elevator, followed by Alex.

Three floors down, Alex turned to Yassen.

"I find it very attractive when you kill the bad men," Alex informed him.

Yassen rolled his eyes. "I don't know if you're a saint or a damsel."

"How about neither one, so you don't have to worry about protecting my innocence?"

Yassen kept a hand firmly on the 'door close' button the rest of the way down.

4.

"Don't touch me, you've got cat hair," Yassen hissed, as Alex sidled up to him at a gala in Gotham.

Alex's eyes widened and he stopped in his tracks. "What? Where?"

"Look at your legs."

Alex looked as his legs and whined. "I can't believe they let me out of the country looking like this. I can't believe they let me in here looking like this!"

Yassen raised an eyebrow. "Would your people have let them not let you in?"

"Well." Alex smirked a little. "They didn't actually _let_ me in at all, so. But still, _cat hair_. At a _Wayne Enterprises_ gala. I'd blend in better naked."

"Talia al Ghul certainly tries to," Yassen said, watching as the lady in question deliberately ignored Brucie Wayne. "Do you see the offspring? Standing in that corner over there?"

"The ones who are really bad at pretending to like each other for the cameras? Yeah?"

"The one in the red and gold tie, Timothy. He and I have… met. Drop my name - or mention any of a dozen or so criminal organizations - get him to take you into a back room, introduce you to Alfred. They'll get you cleaned up."

"Hm." Alex glanced at Yassen, who was still watching the woman he'd mentioned earlier. "Save a heated moment in a closet for me?"

"After you get cleaned up, I'll find you on my way to my business meeting," Yassen promised.

5.

"Yassen, by the way."

Yassen blinked as he regained control of the helicopter. "How did you - no, I don't want to know. What?"

"My cat. His name's Yassen." Alex leaned in between Yassen and the copilot's seat, which was occupied by a mutual acquaintance of theirs. "Ben thinks I'm crazy."

"Because you are," Tim muttered below his breath.

"I heard that."

"Why did you name your cat Yassen?" Yassen asked.

"It was right after that thing in Rome," Alex said.

Yassen nodded in understanding.

Tim looked briefly at Alex. "I don't think I want to know," he decided.

"You don't."

Alex dropped his head into the crook of Yassen's shoulder. "Pay attention to me," he whined. "I didn't stowaway on somebody else's helicopter for you to _ignore_ me, you know."

Yassen rolled his eyes. "Tim, do you mind?"

"Just keep your clothes on," Tim groaned.

And 1.

"The internet clearly states," began Alex, "and I quote - 'Yeah, a boyfriend sounds nice, but a supreme enemy you can make out with sometimes in secret sounds a lot more hardcore.' You've got to admit, that's sexier."

Yassen rolled his eyes and slid a hand up Alex's back to his neck, avoiding the kitchen counter.. "Why bother with terminology when clearly no one is ever going to find out about this?"

"We have to have something to tell Tim!" Alex protested.

"Tim doesn't want to know. Please, Alex, I'm only in London for the afternoon, and only because I'm supposed to be at a weapons drop with Wintergreen. I didn't come to talk about the internet."

Alex sighed, faking reluctance when he let Yassen kiss him. "Can we at least not do this in the kitchen?" he murmured.

"Mmmrph?"

Alex laughed. Incomprehensible mumbles, how assassinly. "Yassen stop, Ben's gonna be home soon-" Alex groaned.

"Alex? Is everything-"

Oh.

Alex's faced _flamed_.

"Alex," Ben said, and ooh, that tone meant trouble, "there in a strange man in our kitchen."

Alex held tightly onto Yassen. "Ben, meet Yassen Gregorovich, my supreme enemy who I sometimes make out with in secret," Alex said in a very, very quiet voice. "Yassen, meet Ben, my flatmate and sometimes mission partner."

Yassen and Ben glared at each other for a moment. Eventually, Alex became incredibly uncomfortable.

"You've both saved my life," he said, breaking the silence. "So you're not allowed to hate each other. Also, my cat is going to be hungry very soon, and if either of you prevent me from feeding him, he will claw your eyes out and I'd really not like that to happen."

Yassen released him and allowed him to go fill up Yassen (the cat)'s food bowl. When Alex came back, Yassen (his boyfriend, whatever) was gone, and Ben had apparently decided that further explanation was not necessary, instead choosing to grab a glass of lemonade.

"Jason, David, and Reed should be here in around fifteen minutes," Ben said, hunting for the kale chips. "They're bringing in my replacement for introductions - real name William, codename Wintergreen."

Alex blinked. "Huh."

"What?"

"Just - doesn't sound like your everyday SAS soldier," Alex murmured. "Hm."

A/N: A disgusting amount of details (and side characters and whatever) shamelessly pickpocketed from Batman/DC. Great fandom. Don't own. Thanks for reading!


	3. Five Times K-Unit Saw Yassen

1.

"Reed, if you don't stop trying to pet Yassen, he will shred your arms," Alex warned.

Reed pouted. "This is the only cat in the universe that doesn't like me," he announced, finally releasing Yassen, who bounded out of the room.

"Don't lie, Reed," William said. "That Bengal in August? That cat _hated_ you."

Reed tilted his head in consideration. "The August Bengal was possessed by the devil and doesn't count," he decided.

"Hey, Ben," Jason said, poking his head through the door from the kitchen, "or Alex, probably. Why is there a graphic novel on your stove. Neither of you reads graphic novels. Also, can I move it, because if I can't, you're not getting butterbeer lattes."

Alex and Ben glanced at each other.

"It's my... boyfriend's," Alex said cautiously. "It's a manga, he's reading them to work on his Japanese comprehension. He was here earlier, probably forgot about it on his way out. Yeah, you can move it."

While Jason returned to the kitchen and got working on drinks, Alex became the center of attention. Reed and David leaned in curiously, and even William, who had barely met Alex, looked interested.

"You have a _boyfriend_?" Reed asked eagerly. "And you didn't tell us?"

Alex groaned, putting his face in his hands. "It's complicated," he said.

Ben raised an eyebrow. "Earlier you told me he was your 'supreme enemy who you sometimes make out with in secret.'"

"It's more hardcore!" Alex insisted. "Also, it's _true_. We don't go on dates, or anything. I am tragic teenage James Bond and he is my Bond villain girl."

"Tell us about him," David suggested.

Alex shrugged. "He's… Well, he's attractive. Dirty blonde. He's brilliant, he's honest. He's easy to talk with. He pushes me to be better, to do more. He doesn't try to push me to do things I don't want to. He's-"

"-right there," Ben interjected, pointing behind Alex at the window.

Startled, Alex turned in his chair, and Reed and David looked up and past him, to see that Yassen Gregorovich was indeed outside the window. William, because of his position in the room, had also already seen him. Yassen had apparently scaled the building, up three floors, and was looking inside the apartment, poised to knock on the window.

Alex pushed out of his chair and opened the window.

"You left a book," Alex said as Yassen climbed inside.

Yassen panned around the room, from Ben, to William, to David, to Reed. "I know," he said, without looking at Alex. "My business in town was taken care of efficiently enough that I felt there was sufficient time for me to come back and get it before I had to leave."

"Probably also you felt there was sufficient time to do inappropriate things with Alex," Ben muttered, low-key side-glaring at Yassen.

Alex blinked and steadfastly refused to look anywhere but at Yassen, and Yassen glanced at Ben again and finally glanced at Alex, before settling his gaze on Ben.

"I'd call what your government does with him 'inappropriate' before I'd call what I do with him that," Yassen said cuttingly.

 _Burn_.

Alex risked a glance around the room and turned, arms folded across his chest defensively. "We were alone for a _week_ in Rome and I haven't even been deflowered yet," he whined pleadingly at Ben.

Ben's eyes widened, cheeks reddened, and he dropped his face to his hands.

"That's - that's probably not the worst thing that could have just come out of your mouth," David choked out.

Reed was still blinking, William was blank-faced, and Yassen was discreetly inching towards Alex to put an arm around his back.

"I feel like I'm in the Shrieking Shack at the end of _Prisoner of Azkaban_ ," Ben mumbled, muffled into his palms.

Jason chose that moment to open the kitchen door. He opened his mouth to say something, saw Yassen, closed his mouth, and narrowed his eyes.

" _You_."

 _Ho shit._

Yassen looked Jason up and down, but no recognition passed over his face. "Yes?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Jason's eyes darted quickly around the room, then back to Yassen. "Why the fuck has none of you idiots pulled a gun on this fucker yet?" he growled lowly.

"That's a bit harsh," Reed said.

Alex groaned and shifted closer to Yassen's still-extended arm. "I _did_ pull a gun on him once, it didn't end well."

Yassen finally hooked his arm around Alex's waist. "You got out alive. It ended well enough for me."

"What the _hell_ ," Jason said.

"So apparently this is Alex's supreme enemy who he sometimes makes out with in secret," William informed him, sounding amused. Yassen glanced at them, dismissed them, and went back to pointless bickering with Alex. "Also apparently, you know who he is and are massively angry at him."

"He's an assassin," Jason fumed. "Yassen Gregorovich. We crossed paths a couple times, back in - Ben, what the hell. You knew about this?"

Ben glanced at Alex and Yassen and shrugged. "I just found out earlier today. Believe me, I was about as disturbed as you, but..." He gestured to where Yassen had moved on to fussing over a scar on the back of Alex's neck that he'd discovered in the kitchen that afternoon.

As a group, Ben, Jason, David, Reed, and William turned to watch Yassen and Alex. It seemed strange that an assassin would be so protective of Alex Rider, teenage spy extraordinaire, but Ben had a adopted a policy of 'Alex needs all the caring adults he can get and that includes literal assassins who want to make out with him,' and seeing the intimacy between the two and knowing who they were and what they could do was simultaneously reassuring and terrifying.

"Oh, Yassen," Alex said suddenly. "I don't think you've met all of K-Unit. The asshole who wants to shoot you is Jason, as you apparently know. You also know Ben. The asshole who doesn't want to shoot you is Reed, and this bitch over here who thinks there are worse things than me not getting laid is David. You might recognize William."

Yassen and William looked at each other.

"Never heard of him," Yassen said.

2.

"You're not getting through this doorway," Wolf warned. He hadn't expected to see Yassen Gregorovich in Maputo, but then, he hadn't expected to run into an active, top-secret MI6 operation, either.

"I have orders to kill anyone in my way," Yassen commented, casually pointing his handgun at Wolf's face.

Wolf glared at him, unmoving. "Don't threaten me. We both know I've seen worse," he growled.

"Not threatening you," Yassen said. "We're on the same side."

Wolf snorted. "Oh, are we?"

Yassen lowered his gun to point at the ground in front of Wolf's feet. "Sasha's side."

"Who-"

"You have, in the past, protected him," Yassen said. "And it is only so that you may continue to do so that I do not kill you where you stand. But…"

Just as Wolf tensed, he heard three gunshots, and felt their impact horribly: one in his left elbow - the arm holding the gun - and one in each knee.

"You _are_ an asshole." The assassin walked past him.

And fade to black.

3.

" _You_ ," Reed said in a line at a café in Belgium, exactly the way Jason had said it in Alex and Ben's apartment.

The assassin raised an eyebrow.

"What the _fuck_ ," Reed continued. "You and- and then- and what the fuck-"

"There is a young woman with two children less than ten feet away," Yassen said quietly. "You _might_ refrain from using that kind of language so loudly."

Reed glanced at the mentioned bystanders - the young woman was glaring at him - and stared at Yassen.

" _You_ might refrain from _shooting your boyfriend's friends_ ," Reed said in a much lower voice than before, though his glare was still daggers in Yassen's direction.

Yassen sighed. "My orders were to kill anyone in my way, and he was. What does it tell you when an assassin cannot shoot straight?" He levelled his gaze at Reed. "It tells you that they're not really trying."

4.

"How did you find me?" Wintergreen demanded, knife to David's throat.

David rolled his eyes. "Oh, I just listened for the sound of complete and utter betrayal and followed that," he sighed airily. "You're so careless."

"I'm not. You're a creep," Wintergreen accused.

"Wintergreen, stand down," a voice commanded calmly from the shadows. "He won't do anything."

"Gregorovich," David greeted, the slightest hint of a glare on his face.

"What guarantee do we have that he won't go running to get us in trouble as soon as I let him go?" Wintergreen demanded.

" _I_ vouch for him. That should be enough for you," the assassin said. "Or are you questioning me? I don't have to work with you, if you are."

Wintergreen stared at him, then turned to glare at David. "Be _damn_ glad for this man, because he just saved your life," Wintergreen growled, and released him.

5.

"For being your boyfriend, Alex talks a lot of shit about you," Ben said, barely glancing away from his book as Yassen climbed through the open window of his Los Angeles hotel room. "Also, if you're looking for him, he left to go meet up with - a friend, I think? I didn't know he had friends here."

Yassen chuckled and settled on the rumpled sheets of Alex's bed, facing Ben. "Yes, I believe he knew Tim was here this week. But I am not looking for him." He broke his position facing Ben and laid face-down on the bed, burying his face in Alex's pillow. "And we are not - boyfriends. We are 'supreme enemies who sometimes make out in secret.'"

For a few long minutes, Ben ignored Yassen and continued reading as Yassen breathed on Alex's pillow.

"Hunter should have let me die in the Amazon," Yassen eventually murmured, turning his head to the side.

Ben raised an eyebrow, but didn't turn from his book. "Why's that?"

"He would be so disappointed in what I have become. He did not want me to be a killer." Yassen rolled onto his back and stared at the ceiling, clutching a pillow to his chest. "When he told me that, I thought it was just - because he wanted me out of the way. But if it had been that, he would have killed me. I didn't - I did not understand until Sayle was pointing a gun at Alex on the roof, and Alex looked just like him, I knew he was Hunter's son and they had dragged him into this world-" Yassen cut himself off and turned onto his side, facing towards Ben but staring past him at the bland, beige walls. "I should leave. I should leave here, never see him again. I love him and all I know is how to hurt him."

Ben had long stopped reading, but finally, he closed his book and set it to the side and looked towards Yassen. "Well, that's stupid," he said.

Yassen's eyes raised to Ben's face.

"I don't know if you remember, but you've saved his life," Ben said matter-of-factly. "If it weren't for you he'd be dead a hundred times over, and that's just the times that I know about. You've been more honest with him and kinder to him than almost the entire population of Britain. Out of all the people out there who should, who _would_ be 'good' or 'safe' for him, he has you. He _wants_ you. He loves you.

"And you know what? You're a criminal. You're dangerous. You're not _nice_ , for sure. But I believe that you are good for him. I _know_ that you love him. You make him happy in ways that no one else does. For all the shit he talks on you, he gets back from seeing you and he has this little smile on his face. I should hate you, but I can't, because as crazy as it is, you might actually be the best thing that's ever happened to him." Ben shook his head. "You're stuck with us all now, whether you like it or not."

And 1.

"Jason _hates_ being grounded," Alex said to his supposedly empty bedroom. "They were going to give him a desk job, since you made sure he wouldn't be out in the field again, but he left, said he'd go crazy sitting around all day."

"He seems like the type," Yassen snorted, dropping down from the ceiling tiles above the bed and crawling under the covers with Alex.

Alex rolled his eyes as Yassen pushed him on his side and got comfortable against his back, Yassen's bottom elbow going above his head so he could play with Alex's hair.

"Your hair's getting long," Yassen noted, running a hand over it.

"Yeah," Alex said. "I've been trying to decide whether to grow it out so I can put it in a man-bun or get it cut short. What do you think?"

"If you get a man-bun, I'll blackmail Tim into doing one, and I'll take you both to Disneyland," Yassen said, chuckling.

Alex smiled. "That's a yes on the man-bun, then. Hm, maybe they'll start sending me on jobs as a girl, instead of an innocent teenager."

"That ex-girlfriend of yours, she could teach you how to do makeup."

"Sabina? Yeah. Or you could get that Talia bitch to teach you and _you_ could do my makeup."

"Hm. Maybe I will ask her," Yassen said. "I do like the long hair. It looks good on you."

"Good. You can get out the knots when you're done messing with it," Alex snorted.

Yassen chuckled. "I had no idea I would be working so much in retirement."

"Disney princess hair doesn't maintain itself," Alex said with a sniff.

"-wait, what do you mean 'retirement'?"

Yassen's fingers paused. "I've got one job I've been working on for a couple weeks, but it'll be over next Monday at the latest. It's the last one I'm taking. I'm retiring."

Alex twisted his head around to stare at Yassen. "You - you never said anything about retiring."

"I almost refused the job for Cray," Yassen admitted, running a finger over the hair behind Alex's ear. "There's not a high life expectancy in our line of work. I have enough money put away to retire comfortably. I kept working after because I would have been very lost if I hadn't. But now, I'll have you, and the little family you have here. I have a reason to stay."

"What are you going to do?" Alex asked. His voice was breathless - shocked, amazed. Yassen Gregorovich retiring from being an assassin was… sincerely not something he had ever thought of.

"Probably get a very mundane sort of job," Yassen said, a small smile on his face. "There's a bookstore down the street that I like. I might start a blog. I might write a book. Join the military, that might be a laugh. Work in security somewhere. Be a pilot, that was always something I wanted to do. Although - having died in an airplane once - I might reconsider that. I could get a _foodservice or retail_ job. I could _teach_. Can you imagine that? I could do anything, Alex."

Alex slowly smiled, imagining. "Yeah. Yeah, you could."

 _It'll be nice, having you around._

* * *

A/N: featuring asexual!Yassen Gregorovich and bisexual!Alex Rider. Alex is being a drama queen in 1. and Yassen knows it and rolls his eyes.

Please see the Asexuality Visibility and Education Network (AVEN) for further information.

Further A/N: As previously stated, I'm an attention whore and this was posted for the guest who reviewed on Aug 13 wanting more! I had considered *ahem* coitus-interruptus, but the whole "we were alone in a cottage for a week and I'm still a virgin" thing took me by surprise. I wanted 5. to be post-virginity loss cuddles + cat cuddles, but Yassen kept not really being interested in that (he just likes making out, apparently), and eventually it just made sense to write him as ace, and he liked that.

(i have like three more pieces of this planned out at least. yes i accept suggestions. i post/work on new chapters when someone reviews asking for more! although, i did just purchase a copy of Russian Roulette (FINALLY) so i will almost certainly post a new chapter when i finish that, in honor of it.)


	4. Five Things Yassen Did In Retirement

A/N: Finally got this done! You sweethearts, I loved those reviews. Enjoy!

 **Five Things Yassen Did in Retirement that Were Unrelated to His Past and One Thing That Was**

1.

"Have you ever considered taking up a hobby?" Reed gasped, eyes shocked wide staring at Yassen, who had just kicked open the window next to his desk. "Like, one that doesn't involve scaring people half to death?"

"Like what?" asked Yassen, who had really only come over because he was bored. Alex was, for once, at school, and Yassen knew how rare that was for him and how much he liked getting to pretend his life wasn't crazy, so he wasn't going to mess that up. Ben was doing paperwork at '6, and Yassen didn't really feel like dropping in on him while he was doing paperwork, because Ben was BORING and actually cared about that stuff. So, Reed.

"Knitting, maybe?" Reed asked, picking up his glasses from where they'd fallen off his face in the fall and wiping them off and putting them back on. "Or, I don't know - video games? Ever heard of Assassin's Creed?"

Yassen stared at Reed.

Reed shook his head. "You know what? No. Forget that last one. But what about - sudoku? Or yoga?"

"But I like scaring people half to death."

"It would probably scare Alex half to death to see you doing some of those yoga poses," Reed muttered, thinking back to when he'd gone over to his girlfriend's house one day to find her doing the 'formidable face pose'. "Just get on Google and look up 'hobbies'."

"Hm." Yassen walked past where Reed was leaning against his desk still and leaned in over his computer. "Google, 'hobbies'... Wikipedia, list of hobbies. 3D printing, no, board games, no, cosplaying, no, flower arranging, no, foreign language learning, done that, genealogy, what genealogy?, knife making, lego building, model building - origami?"

Reed's eyes popped open.

"Hm." Yassen clicked on the link. "I heard a story once, about a girl who had leukemia. She wanted to make a thousand paper cranes so that she could make a wish and get well…"

"You want to make a thousand paper cranes?"

"Hm? No, that would get monotonous… But origami. I like it…"

When Alex dropped by Yassen's new house after football practice that evening, he found Yassen sitting in the living room, surrounded by -

"Is that - origami?" Alex asked, slightly afraid of the answer.

"Yes."

"What - ?"

"Butterflies." Yassen sent a red one flying in Alex's direction and it landed in Alex's cupped hands. "Reed said I need a hobby that doesn't scare people half to death."

Alex stared at the area around Yassen, then looked at the rest of the room, which was dotted in various kinds of flowers. "Yassen, never change."

2.

"Why is my bed not covered in nekos?" Alex asked as he exited his room one afternoon. "And where is Yassen, anyways?"

Ben shrugged without looking away from the fridge. "He hasn't been here all day? The unit was around earlier, but I haven't seen him since he picked you up for breakfast this morning."

"Weird." Alex reached for his phone on the kitchen counter. "I'll t-"

The door to the apartment burst open.

"Alex I got the job!"

Alex just stared, frozen, as Yassen kicked the door closed and grabbed him to kiss him. "What?"

"I told you I was going to get a really mundane job!" Yassen laughed. "I had an interview at Starbucks today. I start next Monday!"

"Huh." Ben blinked. "Don't maim anyone."

"Except the MI6 execs," Alex corrected. "If the MI6 execs come in, you can maim them. Jones retired and now they're all awful."

"Text me when they come in for coffee," Yassen said, kissing Alex's forehead. "I'll put something in their drinks."

3.

"Lily!"

"What?" Yassen glanced up from his manga. "The flowers on your kitchen table this morning were kawasaki roses, not lilies."

Alex rolled his eyes. "No, that mission Ben and I were talking about this morning? He mentioned to Crawley that we'd talked about me going on mission as a girl instead of an innocent teenager. Crawley thought it was good and Riddle agreed to it and they're calling me Lily! You can't maim Riddle now. Did you ever ask Talia about makeup?"

"She sent me a couple of YouTube tutorials," Yassen said, chuckling. He set his book down. "I picked up a few things last week. Would you like to come see?"

Alex beamed. "Practice on me so we can take pictures and send them to Tom and Tim and Sabina. Tim and Sab are going to be jealous that I'm a prettier girl than them!"

"Of course, Alex. Counter."

Alex hopped up to sit on the counter. "So, what's first?"

"Primer."

Alex stared at Yassen reached into a new box on the counter. "What?"

"It goes on your face."

Alex waited dumbly as Yassen stroked full-face makeup onto him.

"I feel ridiculous," Alex said when Yassen was done with a container of green-purple-white-yellow stuff.

Yassen chuckled. "It's corrector. It has instructions that say what everything is for. Would you like to read it?"

Alex shrugged. "As long as you're doing my makeup? No, thanks. I'll let you handle it."

"All right. Now foundation."

A few minutes later, Yassen finally brushed on blush - the first thing he'd done that Alex had heard of, makeup-wise.

"Hm." Yassen laned back and examined Alex's face. "We can probably leave your eyebrows. I like them and I don't want to mess with them."

Alex stared at Yassen in horror. "My _eyebrows_?"

"We're leaving them alone," Yassen promised. "Eyeshadow, eyeliner, mascara."

"I've heard of eyeshadow!" Alex said proudly.

Yassen chuckled. "Hold very still for this, Alex. I don't want to get anything in your eyes. And Talia says it's an awful mess to clean up."

"Mhmm." Alex closed his eyes and patiently waited as Yassen applied so many brushes to his eyelids and eyelashes.

"Open."

Alex opened his eyes.

"Keep holding still," Yassen commanded quietly. "I'm going to curl your eyelashes and then apply mascara."

Alex held as Yassen brought a scary-looking metal implement to his face and after holding his eyelashes in it for what felt like forever exchanged it for a black brush that stuck to his eyelashes uncomfortably for a moment and left some kind of residue on them.

"Lips now," Yassen said, smiling. "This is a long-last liquid lipstick; the brand is Stila and the color is Rosa. Sabina, if not Tim, will be very jealous."

"Mm, of my perfect boyfriend," Alex teased, before realizing what he'd said. "My - ex-supreme enemy who kisses me and does my makeup and is generally perfect. Shutting up now. Make me a princess."

Yassen chuckled. "We're going to just do this the easy way today," he promised. "So you can show off. Open your mouth, pull your lips back taut."

When Yassen was done, he screwed the brush back into the bottle and reached over for a handheld mirror. "You're the prettiest girl."

Alex blushed as he smiled into the mirror. "I actually look like a princess," he said, stunned. "Like - Cinderella."

Yassen's face melted into something self-satisfied and pleased. "Yes. Hm, should I share you with your friends like this? Or should I keep you all for myself?"

"One picture," Alex laughed lightly. "That's it. Then kiss me."

4.

" _That_ 's the guy you're with?"

Yassen could hardly have missed the loud whisper, as it was in fact about him. Alex had brought his friends to Starbucks after their football game that afternoon. He had gestured to Yassen - presumably, satisfying the curiosity of his friends about at least one aspect of his life - and it had been a matter of only a few seconds before one of them made the shocked comment.

"Well, I do have a reputation to think of," Alex joked. He turned to face Yassen and smiled at him. "Hey, Honey Love."

Yassen raised an eyebrow. "What can I get for you, Sugarbuttons?"

Alex laughed as his friends groaned or stared disbelievingly. "I would like a white chocolate mocha."

"That's on the house for a face like that," Yassen said. He half-glared at the group behind Alex. "And the rest of you?"

"You have a scary boyfriend," Tom whispered to Alex.

Alex rolled his eyes. "Not my boyfriend," he whispered back. They'd clearly had the discussion before.

"I would like a caffe Americano," James announced over the other two. "Please."

"£2. And for the small one?" Yassen asked. Tom wondered if he could develop Alex's ninja skills in .002 seconds and sink into the shadows and away from that terrifying stare.

"Latte," he squeaked.

"£2.25. Be a minute," Yassen said, suddenly all cheerful customer-service.

"Scary boyfriend," Tom muttered.

5.

"So I've gotten used to _my_ room being covered in _origami_ cats, but… Yassen, there appears to be a cat and kittens in a box in the busted part of the couch."

Yassen walked out of the kitchen, wiping his hands on his apron. "Yes, apparently your cat had a lady friend over here while we were on that mission a while back and now there are kittens. The mother's name is Olivia and the kittens are Connery, Niven, Lazenby, Moore, and Dalton."

"Huh." Alex watched as Olivia glared at him disinterestedly and the kittens fed. "You did that because I named my cat after you, didn't you."

Yassen shrugged. "This way if your employers ever come knocking they won't suspect anything," he said, laying a gentle hand on one of the kittens. "Naming kittens after James Bond is proof of my innocence in any situation."

Olivia gave a kind of sigh, like she was resigned to this by now, and let him do it.

"Where do you think she came from?" Alex asked.

"She used to belong to the people next door," Yassen said sadly. "They left her. I think Yassen knew she needed a new home."

Alex watched as Yassen stroked the kittens for a moment. He smiled softly.

"Me too, Olivia," he murmured. "Me too."

And 1.

"Yassen, I hope you don't mind, we're going to have company for dinner tonight," Alex called as he opened the door to Yassen's home. The mission had only taken about a week, and Alex had been with the current K-Unit - Eagle, Snake, Wintergreen, and Jason's new replacement, Swan, so Yassen hadn't been too worried and had chosen to stay home with the kittens - especially since there was another litter due that week. "I picked up a new friend in Russia from the GRU, he's-"

"Dima?" Yassen asked, staring at Alex's new friend from the kitchen.

Alex glanced between them.

The new friend squinted at Yassen. "-Yasha?"

Alex glanced between them, curious. "You two know each other?"

Yassen's eyes widened. "It's Yassen, now. Come in, sit down. I've ordered Thai. Alex, Dima took me in, in Moscow, after the death of my family. Dima, you joined intelligence?" The three of them went into the living room to sit and wait on the food.

"There was a fire at the old place the night you left us, a contact of Fagin's got me in the business," Dima said, amazed. "How did you make it all the way here? I thought for sure you had- had died, or been put in prison, or something, after you didn't come out of that apartment."

Yassen shook his head. "It is better not to speak of it," he said. "I - was 'deceased,' for awhile, but there were people with the appropriate resources who wanted me alive, and so I am here. Tell me, Dima - how did you come to meet Sasha?"

"It wasn't by any good fortune," Dima said, glancing at Alex.

Alex shook his head. "The new guy - Swan. Turned traitor on us. He set us up. Locked us up in a freezer and left us for dead. But Dima was working the case from the Russian side, and happened to be in the building when Swan ditched us."

"I had been looking for your Swan," Dima explained. "So I was clearing the building. I wouldn't have known your people were there, except that I could tell the freezer had been tampered with, so I thought to check it and found them inside."

"What happened to Swan?" Yassen demanded.

"Dead," Alex said. "Cyanide tablet."

Yassen shook his head. "Perhaps _I_ will screen the next one myself."

A knock at the door signalled the arrival of dinner. While they ate, the talking mostly died down.

"I'll take clean-up," Alex offered when they were finished. He got up to gather the trash and take it to the trash can. "Yassen, you want to get the cats?"

Yassen rose and turned to go put food in the cat bowls. Then he paused, and looked at Dima.

"Dima," he said, "you used to pick up some strays. How would you like a kitten?"

A/N: I trope'd it, with that whole Swan/traitor thing, but hopefully since he was replacing Wolf and not Alex or Ben, it's less painful... Also. I now have a Tumblr for Alex Rider! sentimental-russian-angst . tumblr . com (minus spaces) I reblog related things, ship Yalex, wonder about Alex Rider headcanons, and post updates on where I am with my A/R fics! (apparently, I mostly ship Yalex on it.)


	5. Five Kesha Songs

A/N: Canon Alex may listen to Eminem, but my Alex listens to Ke$ha!

Reminder: When Alex goes on missions as a girl, the name they use is 'Lily'.

Also: Language warning, maybe? There's a paragraph or two in here somewhere that Alex does a lot of cussing.

 **Edited 9-24-15**

* * *

 **Five Times Alex's Life Was A Ke$ha Song And One Time It Wasn't**

1.

" _This place about to BLOW-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH-OH!_ "

Yassen raised an eyebrow. "Is blasting Ke$ha from the building's speakers your new method of throwing off the people with AK-47s off your trail?" he asked as Alex hopped in the car.

Alex laughed maniacally as Yassen floored the gas pedal and sped away from the labs. "Their fault for not locking the control room in a mind control research lab."

Yassen rolled his eyes.

"Anyways," Alex said, "there's a place with really good ice cream a couple towns west of here. We should go get some."

Yassen glanced at Alex with a raised eyebrow, but still adjusted their path for the change in plans.

Behind them-

 **BOOM.**

Alex laughed.

2.

"You know, this really isn't a lot different from before you retired, except now instead of just being pretty sure I'm going to see you at things, I know I'm going to see you there because you're my date," Alex shouted over the music, latching onto Yassen's arm at a party in a warehouse, hosted by a drug lord with vision.

Yassen kissed Alex's hair. "Lils. The glasses are a nice touch," he would have murmured, but it would have been impossible to hear, so he said it loudly and close to Alex's ear.

Alex grinned. "Nobody's going to hit a girl with glasses," he yelled.

"A few people might," Yassen shouted, watching a group of very large, very angry-looking men barrel towards them.

Slowly, the people around them were also noticing. The party began to slow down. The noise of the people began to die down, and the DJ stopped the music, causing the lights to slow down and stop as well.

"ALEX RIDER!" the head brute roared.

Alex laughed loudly, carelessly and handed his phone to Yassen. "Gimme a beat to beat these guys to!" he yelled - actually because he wanted to yell this time, not because he had to yell over the music.

" _Tonight, I'mma fight till we see the sunlight,_ " Ke$ha blasted from the building speakers that Yassen had hacked and accessed from Alex's phone, as Alex twisted, turned, punched, jabbed, and kicked the gang into submission. With the return of the music, the light quickly flew back into flashing like a Speed hallucination, and the people on the fucked-up version of Speed being served at this party (which was most of them) quickly followed along and went back to partying and cheering on the fight.

"Fox is blowing up your phone!" Yassen yelled as Alex finished kicking ass and starting tying up bodies. "He wants to know why you're not sending him selfies - you're supposed to be sending him selfies?"

"Oh yeah, I forgot - take some pics of these guys I beat up for him!" He kicked the one that he was tying up again. "This guy slapped my ass! Tell Fox I want a raise!"

"He says, 'Are you drunk?'"

Alex laughed.

3.

"You're wearing… hot pants and… glitter," Yassen said, staring at Alex as he pushed open the door to Starbucks.

Alex didn't respond - his head bobbed and hips danced to whatever music was coming through his earbuds. He grinned at Yassen.

"Ke$ha," Yassen lamented, throwing a pained look at Alex.

Alex paused his music and removed his earbuds, tossing them back and around his neck. "Hey, Honey Love, how's it going? "

"Better before all my customers started ogling my Sugarbuttons' ass," Yassen muttered. "You've broken the hipsters. What happened to your shirt?"

Alex shrugged carelessly. "Sold it to some dude in Albania. Used the money for train tickets."

"Have you gotten any sleep in the last three days?" Yassen asked, eyeing Alex.

"Ben picked me up from the train station, I slept in the car," Alex said, slightly uncomfortable. "I missed you."

Yassen smiled softly. "I missed you too, Alex. White chocolate mocha, extra whip, on the house. Have you been by the bank yet?"

"No."

"Extra shot of espresso, then."

"Thank you," Alex said, relief in his voice. "The life of a superstar, Yassen. You and extra whip are what make everything worth it."

4.

"I don't get paid to babysit," Alex whined into the phone. "Tell Tim to come pick up his kid brother, this kid is demon spawn."

"Tim is currently stuck in a plane that's headed for the ocean floor," Yassen replied, only the slightest hint of concern sneaking into his voice. "The sooner you get done with your part of the mission, the sooner we can all get out of this mess."

Alex groaned. "Ugh. You know what a pain in the ass this job is? Scorpia is the worst. Why is it always a church? Why is Scorpia obsessed with churches, Yassen? Also, there are some things I am _not_ willing to do for this job. I don't know if you remember some asshole named Henry, but he's dead now."

"Good," Yassen said.

"Alright, Damian says he's in the system. Okay, the door code -"

Alex rattled off the door code to Yassen, who repeated it for Tim, who used it to escape the sinking craft.

"It's going down, I'm yelling TIMBERRRRRRR," Alex yelled. "Scorpia better move, they better dance. I'll make a night that they won't live through, I am the one they won't forget! Come on, demon spawn, this building's got a _hot date_ with my arson skillz in about five minutes, and we don't want to be around when the fireworks start going off!"

5.

Alex groaned and slammed his head against the hallway wall, leaning against it. "Where the fuck _is_ he?"

"Who?" Ben asked cautiously.

" _Yassen_ ," Alex moaned, drawing out the word. "I can't find him, Ben. He's not home. I checked all of the alleys where he normally haunts to take care of the cats and beat up bad people and he's not in any of them. He's not answering any of my calls. Ugh, Ben."

Ben glanced at the clock, then looked back at Alex and examined him. "It's 6 AM," he finally said. "Alex, have you been up all night?"

"Yes! I can't find my Honey Love!"

Ben groaned inwardly but chose to display no reaction to the pet name. "Alex, you need some sleep. And some time away from Yassen, probably."

" _ **No.**_ " Alex shot a harsh glare Ben's way. "I'm going to call '6." He turned around and walked back to his room. When he came back out, he was on the phone.

" _Why the fuck would you do that?!_ " he yelled into the phone. "Don't drug my fucking boyfriend! You have no right! He's a _legal citizen_ and he has been granted _full immunity_ from any and all of your vile organization's corrupt, criminal, malicious, villainous, nefarious schemes! No, don't fucking talk to me about changes in leadership, I have been through those fucking hoops! He is on my list of terms and conditions! Did you read my terms and conditions, Riddle?! Because I swear if you do not follow them to the fucking _letter_ I will - good. Thank you. Now, please refrain from such ridiculous behavior in the future and I am sure we will be able to maintain a courteous, mutually beneficial working relationship. See you tomorrow, Riddle."

Ben stared as Alex reamed out the current head of British intelligence. The kid - barely, now, if he had been one at all in years - was a far greater threat than he often allowed anyone to see. If Alex ever decided he was sick of saving the world, Ben knew, the end would come faster than anyone could anticipate.

And 1.

"Mmmmmm." Alex snuggled happily into Yassen's chest. "I take everything I said back, coming to Russia for New Year's Eve was a great idea. I now have every excuse to leech all of your body heat through physical contact."

Yassen rolled his eyes and smiled fondly, gently running a hand up and down over Alex's back. "Hm."

"So, why are we here?"

"Hm?"

"Here, specifically. St. Petersburg. This particular hillside."

Yassen's smile gained a hint of ruefulness. Or was it nostalgia? He stared at the sky. "The year I knew your father, we were on assignment in St. Petersburg on New Year's Eve. Your mother was seven months pregnant with you, so she and your father - it was dangerous, stupid, but she often came to where he was, to see him. Clandestinely. She rented out a cottage while we were here - I couldn't get the same one, Alex, but the one we're in is close."

Alex was listening intently, soaking up every word.

"Hunter and I had been staying in a hotel in the city, but for New Year's Eve, we came out here. I was surprised - it was the only time he ever brought me along when he was meeting your mother. The three of us watched the fireworks together from here. Helen fell asleep around 12:30. I remember watching Hunter carry her to the bed. He and I traded off sleeping on the couch." Yassen glanced down at Alex and smiled. "They were very in love, your parents. That is one of my favorite memories."

"Thank you," Alex said softly, kissing Yassen's cheek. "I think you're one of my favorite memories."

Yassen laughed. "Don't assign me to memory status just yet," he teased. "I'd like to stay around awhile longer than that."

In the distance, clocks struck midnight, and fireworks began.

Alex smiled.

"I'd like that," he said.

* * *

A/N: More shameless DCU pillaging!

I decided I was uncomfortable enough with the And 1. that I changed it before moving on to the next segment. If this were set in a different kind of universe, I might have gone with it, but as it is, I didn't feel like that part of the scene was in character.


	6. Five Cars Alex and Yassen Wrecked

A/N: Sooo I said I'd have this done yesterday. But, you know, college, and then marching band at a college football game, ugh, sigh. But, I got it done and here it is! It's pretty short, and I couldn't figure out how to end it properly, but. *shrug*

 **Five Cars Alex and Yassen Totally Wrecked, and One They Didn't**

* * *

1.

"Wow, you're an _asshole_ ," Alex laughed as he saw the car Yassen had brought to pick him up in from the Gotham airport. "I'd say I can't believe you stole Tim's car, but what I _really_ can't believe is that you stole Tim's car that Tim stole from Dick. You con."

"Tim gets his makeup all over the sinks and counters in my safehouses and Dick _knows what he did_. They had it coming," Yassen scoffed.

Alex laughed and hopped in, patting the car's side affectionately. "It's such a pretty car," he told Yassen, when Yassen slid in the driver's seat. "It would be a shame if something were to… _happen to it_."

Yassen side-glanced at Alex, who was watching Yassen with a devious little smirk on his face.

Yassen raised an eyebrow and smirked back. "And you called _me_ an asshole."

2.

"Alex, _no_ ," Ben said, dread-filled voice tinny in Alex's earpiece.

"Alex, _yes_ ," Alex said, foot firmly on the gas pedal and not letting up.

"Alex if you _scratch_ that car Crawley is going to _kill_ me," Ben definitely did not whine. "MI6 literally just got that car last week."

"Then why are they letting me drive it?" Alex asked rhetorically, making a smooth curve on the forest highway.

"Really," Yassen muttered beside him, "they should have." He was looking a touch green.

Ben groaned. "Tell me you're not going to go off the cliff. _Please_ tell me you're not going to go off the cliff."

Yassen glanced at Alex. "You're going to go off the cliff," he said.

Alex grinned wildly. "I'm going to go off the cliff," he agreed, nodding.

"He's going off the cliff," Yassen said, resigning himself to the fate. "I don't have an escape plan for this situation. We're going to die. Ben, take care of the cats. I leave my small fortune of blood money to the first person Olivia puts paws on!"

3.

"Don't you dare," Reed said threateningly. "Don't you _fucking_ dare. I will - I don't know what I will, but you're not gonna like it."

Alex actually slowed down the car for a second. "We're both untouchable," he informed Reed over the speaker on Yassen's phone. "MI6 would just send me on another job, and if they do anything to Yassen, I quit. He's in my contract. Reed, I'm doing you a favor here. This car is the actual, real-life color of a bruised lemon. It needs to go."

"You're buying me a new one," Reed groaned.

"A better one."

"Yes. A better one."

"Because you know this mission alone will pay for it."

"What?! What do they _pay_ you?" Ben demanded in the background.

Alex laughed. "They don't," he said. "But I make demands, and if my demands are not met I quit, and the world ends, and MI6 looks worse than this car will when I'm done with it."

"Let's put this car out of it's misery," Yassen said. "Sugarbuttons, slam it."

"You got it, Honey Love."

Alex slammed it.

4.

"How are you _not dead_?" Blunt demanded as Alex commandeered his rental car outside a hotel in Paris. "And what are you doing here? There were strict orders when I left that you were not to be allowed to do things like this again!"

"Not dying is my superpower," Alex informed him. "Not staying dead is my - fuck - dammit - my boyfriend's. Get in the car. We've got mad scientist labs to crash."

Blunt sighed and got in the car. "Retirement was supposed to be quiet," he lamented to Alex as Alex pulled away from the hotel.

"You want a quiet retirement, you should've made sure there were more than two people with the information I need," Alex said. "Get my phone out of my bag and call my partner, would you? Speed dial 1, you can access it without unlocking the phone.

The phone rang once, then, "Sugarbuttons?"

Blunt's face took on a pained look.

"Hey, Honey Love, is 'jumping out of the car as it hurtles down a road outside a mountaintop evil lair and watching as it plunges into a snowy ravine' a new record for the doomed cars list, or should I try something with more explosions?"

Blunt glanced at Alex and shook his head."

"No, that's new. Take video for me?"

5.

"You're weird," Dick told Alex and Yassen as they meandered around the parking lot, squished into a tiny clown car.

"You are from the _actual circus_ ," Alex replied snarkily. "You have zero room to talk about weird."

"I was an acrobat! With grace! And elegance! And coordination!" Dick protested.

Alex shook his head. "You wore hot pants, and pixie boots, and glitter, and you weren't even in drag. Also, you were what, six?"

"I was twelve! And _don't wreck the clown car_!"

Yassen continued on his path, directly into a tree, feeling very calm and zen.

"So theraputic," he sighed, Alex's skull digging uncomfortably into his shoulder.

"That's _two_ cars of mine you've destroyed," Dick groaned. "Why do you hate me."

"Mostly because you're an asshole for faking your death," Alex said on Yassen's behalf. "It's rude, for one thing, and it's very insensitive to those of us who've _actually_ died."

"You never died," Dick pointed out.

"Ah, but I did shoot myself in the face," Alex said. "I've been informed it counts."

Dick looked to Yassen.

"It counts," Yassen confirmed.

And 1.

"Probably not the _best_ getaway car we could have stolen," Alex said contemplatively. "The cans hanging from the boot and the giant screaming 'JUST MARRIED' sign are a little conspicuous."

Yassen rolled his eyes and twisted around quickly to check behind them before he pulled the car out of its parking spot and away from the car park. "Anything was better than staying at that ceremony," he responded. "Reed and Susan were far too disgustingly sweet together and they weren't even the ones getting married!"

"Point. So, where are we headed?"

Yassen sighed. "Check my phone."

Alex reached over, pulled the phone out of Yassen's pocket, and typed in his code. "Dammit," he said when he saw the message. "Well, at least disarming bombs at the North Pole is probably going to be more fun than watching Reed and Susan make weird faces at each other."

"Neo-Nazis and all," Yassen said. "After this we should take a vacation."

"Bahamas? Sun, sand, and waves?"

"Anywhere you like. Just as long as if I have to save your ass, it's your fault and not that of the greater forces pulling the strings. Here we are, the Culinary Institute of America, also known as the CIA."

As they walked to the doors that would see them off on another adventure, Alex looked back mournfully at the car. "We didn't wreck it," he said sadly.

Yassen glanced back at it. "We did steal it, though," he said. "Ben's cousin and his new wife will have to find a different car to leave the wedding in."

"I feel kind of bad. Do you think Joe would send someone to take it back?"

Yassen shrugged and held the door open for Alex. "Probably."

"I'll ask him to do it when we get in there," Alex decided. He walked up to the front office desk. "I'm Alex Rider, I got a summons from a Mr. Joe Byrne?"

The lady sitting at the desk clicked a few buttons on her computer and nodded. "He's expecting you," she said. "Down the hallway, take the elevator down and he's in the first door to your left. I've let him know you're here, so you can go right in."

"Thank you," Alex said.

He and Yassen followed her directions to the local office, where Joe Byrne was meeting Alex. Normally he would've had the local branch head send Alex off, but apparently he'd been in town for meetings anyway, and he was begging off of one so he could talk to Alex, which was far more pleasant than arguing with the FBI, NSA, and any number of other security/intelligence/defense organizations.

"Alex!" Joe said when Alex and Yassen walked into the room. "Always good to see you. And Mr. Gregorovich, thank you for accompanying him."

"You called," Alex said.

"Yes. I assume Mr. Gregorovich showed you-"

"Before we start talking business," Alex interrupted, "we stole a honeymoon getaway car. Is there anyone you could spare to send it back?"

Byrne's face took on a slight smirk. "Walker is always getting in my hair," he said. He pushed a button on the desk. "June, could you send Walker down here? I've got something of vital importance for him. It concerns Operation WIT, so we need him to get it done as quickly as possible."

June snickered. "Right away, sir."

"Operation WIT?" Alex asked.

"Operation Walker's Intelligence Training. Because goodness knows he needs it."

* * *

A/N: Something someone mentioned was expanding on some of the scenes from these, and I kind of liked that idea, so that's probably something I'm going to start working on a bit. It'll hopefully help me get more organized, so that the main 5 and 1 things are more cohesive.


End file.
